Nollywood actor Daniel Etim-Effiong and wife Toyosi kicked off a spirited but enlightening conversation on cultural expectations of marriage recently during an episode of their podcast — and it all came down to cake and a pinch of nostalgia.
Daniel half-teasingly reminded her of something that happened at their customary wedding when Toyosi had bent down to give him cake. He inquired with a wicked grin, “Why can’t you bend down and serve me?
You see on our wedding day in terms of our customary wedding, you bent down to offer me cake. So why haven’t you done it again after we wedded?”
Toyosi did not skip a beat. “Well,” she responded, “you haven’t knelt since proposing too.”.
Daniel stood firm with a laugh, resorting to traditional gender roles: “I haven’t done that since proposing because traditionally, the man shouldn’t be kneeling. I’m your lord and you fail to recognise that — I’m your husbandman.”
Their conversation quickly grew to a more thorough discussion of where culture belongs in modern-day relationships.
Daniel posed the question about how much pull cultural traditions should have within a marriage, specifically when those traditions might not be shared between wives and husbands.
Toyosi brought up a great point by noting that, in Daniel’s Efik heritage, women don’t typically kneel — so she was asking where his assumption even came from.
“It’s funny for us because kneeling is not practiced in your culture,” she responded. “Efik women do not kneel, and it was not like you were brought up seeing that and you envisioned your wife kneeling.”
Daniel responded by acknowledging how marrying a Yoruba woman like Toyosi had affected his own behaviors.
I have grown up in Lagos my entire life and I am familiar with Yoruba culture,” he replied. “I even catch myself bowing to greet elders these days. Efik men don’t do that — we stand and say ‘hello sir.’
But because of whom I married and where we live, I don’t mind bowing. I will bow for elders. You kneel for elders. So… why can’t you kneel for me?
